Best Cars in Which to Get Gay-Married

This week, the Supreme Court saw the light, or at least the apex of the rainbow, and granted gay Americans—at least federally—the right to dive into the matrimonial abyss. Because we value personal freedom, we applaud this. Of course, it raises an obvious question for us, answered herein by one of our favorite Car Gays—Brett Berk, Vanity Fair’s “Stick Shift” columnist and a frequent Car and Driver contributor—of what to drive to your gay wedding. Miatas and Subarus need not apply.

Today’s gays and lesbians raise families just as they always have but in ever increasing, and increasingly open, numbers. But Odysseys, Grand Caravans, or Siennas, as wonderful and capable as they are, don’t have quite the necessary panache. This is the only minivan outside of a Renault Espace that does.

Gays love it for its name, with its inherent tension between pursuit and achievement. Lesbians love it because, well, it’s a big, honking truck. Depending on your preference, fill the bed with ice and champagne or a futon and some candles, and you have yourself a mobile honeymoon.

You need a pair: one in white and one in black, preferably, for the groom/groom or the bride/bride. Cute, spunky, and, like Gucci itself, forever in vogue.

My urban, urbane gay and lesbian friends are forever plaguing me with questions of which car they should buy. So frequent are their queer queries that I’ve developed a standard questionnaire, which I e-mail to them. The first question is “What is the first thing that comes to mind when I say the words, ‘Volkswagen Jetta diesel SportWagen?’ ”

Massaging, reclining, air-conditioned rear seats; a spectacular sound system; a profligate powerplant; and more than enough exclusivity to separate you from the rest of the masspirational homosexuals in their 7-series, S-classes, and A8s. Also, a champagne cooler with room for two bottles. If it were legal, I would gay-marry this car instead of my boyfriend.

There is an entire generation of gays out there, myself included, whose grandmothers owned one of these. For them, it is the height of glamour. And what is a wedding without glamour? (Answer: prom.)

Illusorily rugged, clad in a ludicrous set of chaps, lined with rubber, and capable of being hosed out. The ideal leather car for either gender.

Eighty-seven percent of professional-grade gays and lesbians already own these cars, so they might as well drive them to their wedding.

An orphan, an outcast, a screaming Hail Mary, and perhaps the most stylish vehicular embodiment of mid-century modernism, the Avanti was resolutely rejected by the majority but continued to live its life proudly for decades and is now accepted as a revolutionary and inspiring presence. Sound familiar?

A definitive “eff off” to those who would deprive us of our civil rights.